Check out the holiday letter that every one wants to write, but can't. Well, Judith can...almost.
HOLIDAY LETTER
Nov 17, 2008
HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE A.K.A. HOW TO WEIRD OUT A "GOSSIP GIRL" CAST MEMBER: A STEP BY STEP GUIDE
Step 1: Introduce yourself to "Gossip Girl" cast member.
Step 2: Immediately take photo while you're still considered sane.
Step 3: Find common ground to ignite conversation. Oh! You're Polish? I know a couple phrases...
Step 4: Rattle off your three known phrases (all very "a**" heavy):
Step 5: Wait for cast member's response:
(You take this as a compliment, but are later informed that you kind of "creeped her out.")
Step 6: Go to after party and consume drinks on expense accounts.
Step 7: Chat online with father next day and mention the following:
Me and "Dorota" from "Gossip Girl"
Step 2: Immediately take photo while you're still considered sane.
Step 3: Find common ground to ignite conversation. Oh! You're Polish? I know a couple phrases...
Step 4: Rattle off your three known phrases (all very "a**" heavy):
A** hole!
Four legs in the bed, a sausage in the a**!
May a duck kick you in the a**!
Four legs in the bed, a sausage in the a**!
May a duck kick you in the a**!
Step 5: Wait for cast member's response:
Wow! Those aren't even normal phrases.
(You take this as a compliment, but are later informed that you kind of "creeped her out.")
Step 6: Go to after party and consume drinks on expense accounts.
Step 7: Chat online with father next day and mention the following:
I got into a little hot water yesterday.
Step 8: Realize you might have a slight problem when he quickly responds:
Oh no! Not the "four legs in the bed..."
Me and "Dorota" from "Gossip Girl"
Nov 7, 2008
The Gym: Part Two
Seeing as I hate working out, I try to find fitness formats that don't necessarily resemble exercise. The result: I take every dance class they offer at the gym. Unfortunately, the past couple of days these classes have been at night when I already have shows or rehearsals to go to. The solution: the treadmill. Mind you, I don't run on the treadmill--that would be "working out." I simply walk. Now, that may not sound exciting, and it's not. The exciting part is that every single treadmill has it's own flat screen, cable television attached to it. YES! TV! And coming from someone who doesn't own a TV, this is a big deal. On the treadmill I can get Comedy Central, bad Lifetime movies, Oprah--everything! I even extended my 40 minute walk another 30 minutes because I had to watch the end of Center Stage where young Jody tells the dance world to "shove it" because she's going to star in Cooper Nielson's new dance company. Take that, Peter Gallagher!
This concept really is genius! What better way to motivate couch potatoes than to put their fix right in front of their eyes and make them walk toward it. It's the proverbial carrot in front of the horse. Or a doughnut for a fat kid. Or a meth lab for an addict.
Maybe joining the gym is a good idea. I can get all the TV I want from 6am-11pm daily!
... Or maybe I should just walk more and save $200/month by getting cable in my apartment. Eh. It's a toss up.
TV's on the treadmill...BRILLIANT!
This concept really is genius! What better way to motivate couch potatoes than to put their fix right in front of their eyes and make them walk toward it. It's the proverbial carrot in front of the horse. Or a doughnut for a fat kid. Or a meth lab for an addict.
Maybe joining the gym is a good idea. I can get all the TV I want from 6am-11pm daily!
... Or maybe I should just walk more and save $200/month by getting cable in my apartment. Eh. It's a toss up.
TV's on the treadmill...BRILLIANT!
The Gym: Part One
Leslie has been given a free week-long guest pass to one of Manhattan's swankiest gyms. She has never been a member of any fitness establisment nor does she usually work out. Let's see what happens...
I am amazed at the education I am receiving in the women's locker room. Apparently, there are alot of unspoken rules: asking for someone else's preferred locker number--not okay. Standing in front of the wall mirror with one leg perched on the counter while you apply baby oil and give everyone a free vagina show--totally okay! In fact, I've learned alot about vaginas* this week.
As I only have my own potato to deal with, I didn't realize how many varieties of potatoes there really are: mashed, fried, boiled, groomed, ungroomed...it's amazing! And while it seems that another unspoken rule is to not look at other's potatoes, I choose to ignore this and blatantly stare. But seeing a potato in the locker room is one thing, seeing that same person outside the locker room after staring at their potato is quite another.
After putting my things in a locker that I was sure no one would want, I happened to see (this time not intentionally) a 60-something yr. old woman's potato. I quickly looked the other way and exited the locker room. Upon my arrival to the fourth floor (there are freakin' 6 floors of fitness fun here) I see 60 yr. old potato woman has beat me there by taking the elavator. I felt dirty. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. Here is this sweet old woman getting ready to slowly pedal away on the stationary bike and all I can think is, "I know what your potato looks like." I equate the feeling to someone who runs into an ex-lover on the street and while they are exchanging pleasantries all they can think about is, "I remember that time you farted during sex. And I know about that ugly mole on your back."
So for the rest of the week I'm trying to keep my head down (or up?) and see as few potatoes as possible. Mainly for the selfish fact that I don't want to have awkard, post-sex feelings about elderly women.
*"Vaginas" will be referred to as "potatoes" for the rest of this blog just so I don't have to keep writing "vagina" a million times. Plus I like potatoes quite a bit more than vaginas so it makes perfect sense to me.
I am amazed at the education I am receiving in the women's locker room. Apparently, there are alot of unspoken rules: asking for someone else's preferred locker number--not okay. Standing in front of the wall mirror with one leg perched on the counter while you apply baby oil and give everyone a free vagina show--totally okay! In fact, I've learned alot about vaginas* this week.
As I only have my own potato to deal with, I didn't realize how many varieties of potatoes there really are: mashed, fried, boiled, groomed, ungroomed...it's amazing! And while it seems that another unspoken rule is to not look at other's potatoes, I choose to ignore this and blatantly stare. But seeing a potato in the locker room is one thing, seeing that same person outside the locker room after staring at their potato is quite another.
After putting my things in a locker that I was sure no one would want, I happened to see (this time not intentionally) a 60-something yr. old woman's potato. I quickly looked the other way and exited the locker room. Upon my arrival to the fourth floor (there are freakin' 6 floors of fitness fun here) I see 60 yr. old potato woman has beat me there by taking the elavator. I felt dirty. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. Here is this sweet old woman getting ready to slowly pedal away on the stationary bike and all I can think is, "I know what your potato looks like." I equate the feeling to someone who runs into an ex-lover on the street and while they are exchanging pleasantries all they can think about is, "I remember that time you farted during sex. And I know about that ugly mole on your back."
So for the rest of the week I'm trying to keep my head down (or up?) and see as few potatoes as possible. Mainly for the selfish fact that I don't want to have awkard, post-sex feelings about elderly women.
*"Vaginas" will be referred to as "potatoes" for the rest of this blog just so I don't have to keep writing "vagina" a million times. Plus I like potatoes quite a bit more than vaginas so it makes perfect sense to me.
Nov 2, 2008
New Funny Not Slutty Post!
Head on over to http://funnynotslutty.com/ to read the latest "Chick Chat," a transcribed conversation between two comedians. This month it's between myself and the lovely Ann Carr. We made sure to touch on the important things of life like Tori Amos, funerals, and brides who see weddings as performance opportunities. You don't want to miss it!
CHICK CHAT WITH LESLIE & ANN!
CHICK CHAT WITH LESLIE & ANN!
Oct 28, 2008
ME, DAVE ATTELL, AND RICHARD BELZER!
Hey Everyone!
Take a minute out of your busy day to enjoy a little humor by reading the Funny Page of the NY Metro. There's a piece by me entitled "President Talk Made Easy," a joke by Dave Attell, and news on Richard Belzer and other comedy happenings. Don't be left out of the comedy loop! Grab your NY Metro (or follow the link) and enjoy a couple minutes of good, funny reading!
NY METRO FUNNY PAGE
Cheers!
Take a minute out of your busy day to enjoy a little humor by reading the Funny Page of the NY Metro. There's a piece by me entitled "President Talk Made Easy," a joke by Dave Attell, and news on Richard Belzer and other comedy happenings. Don't be left out of the comedy loop! Grab your NY Metro (or follow the link) and enjoy a couple minutes of good, funny reading!
NY METRO FUNNY PAGE
Cheers!
Oct 21, 2008
Holy Sh*t! Germans made me into a cartoon!
So, a friend of mine who runs the New York Reality TV School hired me quite a while ago to work with them at one of their workshops. It just so happened that there was a picture of me performing there that ran on msnbc.com. WELL...that picture has now, somehow, found it's way to Germany and been "cartoon-ized!" I'm a cartoon!
ORIGINAL:
CARTOON:
Woo Hoo!
Here's the actual link in case you're interested:
Leslie as a German cartoon!
For all I know, they could be saying we're all pieces of sh*t. But what do I care?...I'm a freakin' cartoon!
ORIGINAL:
CARTOON:
Woo Hoo!
Here's the actual link in case you're interested:
Leslie as a German cartoon!
For all I know, they could be saying we're all pieces of sh*t. But what do I care?...I'm a freakin' cartoon!
Oct 17, 2008
Be Your Own President!
Being a president has never been easier! Show off your presidential speech chops with Goshko's easy, do-it-yourself, fill-in-the-blank speech form—"President Talk Made Easy!" Impress your friends! Influence people! Kill 5 minutes at the office! It's all just a click away!
(as seen on www.funnynotslutty.com)
(as seen on www.funnynotslutty.com)
Aug 20, 2008
Attack of the Killer Sunflower Seeds!
Husband grabs book off bookshelf and quickly tosses it to the floor.
Me: Ew! Was there a bug on that?
Husband stares at the floor without answering.
Me: Hey! Was there a bug on that book?!?!
Him: Yes! But I can't find it.
Wife gets up and joins the search.
Me: Is this it? This sunflower seed?
Husband looks at sunflower seed lying on the floor.
Him: Well, that's what the body looked like. But it had antennae and long legs.
Me: Are you suuuuure?
Him: No. It's probably that sunflower seed.
Me: Ew! Was there a bug on that?
Husband stares at the floor without answering.
Me: Hey! Was there a bug on that book?!?!
Him: Yes! But I can't find it.
Wife gets up and joins the search.
Me: Is this it? This sunflower seed?
Husband looks at sunflower seed lying on the floor.
Him: Well, that's what the body looked like. But it had antennae and long legs.
Me: Are you suuuuure?
Him: No. It's probably that sunflower seed.
Jul 14, 2008
Latest Tulsa Press!
Hey everyone! Here's the latest press from the Tulsa World on my one year anniversary of living in New York. Hope you enjoy!
Leslie Audio Slideshow
Leslie Tulsa World Article
Cheers!
May 13, 2008
Mar 10, 2008
"Works well with children"
After purchasing my metro card, I turn to my husband and say,
"Who puts their stroller right in front of the metro machine?!?"
He replies,
"Who kicks a baby stroller?"
*guilty as charged*
"Who puts their stroller right in front of the metro machine?!?"
He replies,
"Who kicks a baby stroller?"
*guilty as charged*
Jan 31, 2008
Healthy Living
I finally figured out how to make my reduced-sugar oatmeal taste good--I add two heaping spoonfuls of brown sugar to it.
Problem solved!
Problem solved!
Jan 17, 2008
How 'bout "please" and "thank you?"
I decided that I deserved Chinese food today. And to justify this "frivolity," I decided that I would walk the two blocks to pick it up rather than order in. Plus, I would save a couple bucks in tip money. So, I set out on my quest, all the while contemplating if I would spring for the egg roll or not. I concluded I would.
I entered Wangs and saw a group of women already placing their orders. I patiently awaited my turn at the counter.
Woman #1: "And I want that chicken lightly fried, not hard fried like you usually do it. (turning to friends) I don't even think she understands me."
Woman #2: "Damn it's cold in here! Don't you have any heat? I bet in the summer you can spring for air conditioning...how bout some damn heat!"
Woman #3: "Hey! Lady! Make sure you only put onions in my fried rice. You hear me? Only onions!"
Woman #1: "She don't even understand you."
After this little repartee, I placed my order for chicken and broccoli, one eggroll.
Woman #2: "DAMN it's cold in here!!! I'm gonna be eatin' in here and I need some heat. I KNOW you got some heat in here cause I see the vents. Shit..."
Five more minutes pass as they bitch to one another, repeating all of the various statements in random order.
Woman #2: "Alright, lady. You gonna wipe this table off? I'm not eatin' on that!"
Sweet Chinese woman wipes off table.
"You got some napkins for me? That tables all wet!"
Sweet Chinese woman hands her napkins.
"You know what? Forget it! I don't wanna eat of your table anyway. Gimme a tray!"
Sweet Chinese woman goes to back of kitchen to find a tray.
"Hey! Pops! What happen? All your relatives quit? This is taking long as hell."
It was at this precise moment that an elaborate fight sequence took place in my head: After calling her a b*tch, I wind up a hard right hook and connect with her jaw knocking her on the dirty restaurant floor. Why don't you give em a break, huh? Her friends look at me in disbelief, then anger. You guys want some too? The big one steps forward and I grab her squarely on the shoulders and cold cock her with a head butt. You next, honey? She takes a step back, looks at her friends, looks at the Chinese woman, and pulls a small knife out of her inside coat pocket. I allow my head to rock back as I burst out in laughter. I step over my two other victims, grab the out-dated rotary phone off of the counter, slam it into the side of her face, and watch two teeth spill to the floor after she knocks herself unconscious on a nearby table.
"They won't be giving you anymore trouble," I say dusting off my jacket lapels.
"Oh thank you!" the Chinese woman exclaims. "Thank you! Thank you! Eggroll on the house!"
"Ho ho! You're too kind."
The women slowly come to their senses and shrink at the sight of me.
"And I believe you ladies owe these fine people an apology."
A chorus of "I'm sorry's" and "it'll never happen again's" rise up from the tiled floor.
"All in a day's work," I think as I step out the door.
....In reality, I avoided eye contact, paid for my food, and called them bitches under my breath once safely outside. After all, I didn't want to get jumped.
I entered Wangs and saw a group of women already placing their orders. I patiently awaited my turn at the counter.
Woman #1: "And I want that chicken lightly fried, not hard fried like you usually do it. (turning to friends) I don't even think she understands me."
Woman #2: "Damn it's cold in here! Don't you have any heat? I bet in the summer you can spring for air conditioning...how bout some damn heat!"
Woman #3: "Hey! Lady! Make sure you only put onions in my fried rice. You hear me? Only onions!"
Woman #1: "She don't even understand you."
After this little repartee, I placed my order for chicken and broccoli, one eggroll.
Woman #2: "DAMN it's cold in here!!! I'm gonna be eatin' in here and I need some heat. I KNOW you got some heat in here cause I see the vents. Shit..."
Five more minutes pass as they bitch to one another, repeating all of the various statements in random order.
Woman #2: "Alright, lady. You gonna wipe this table off? I'm not eatin' on that!"
Sweet Chinese woman wipes off table.
"You got some napkins for me? That tables all wet!"
Sweet Chinese woman hands her napkins.
"You know what? Forget it! I don't wanna eat of your table anyway. Gimme a tray!"
Sweet Chinese woman goes to back of kitchen to find a tray.
"Hey! Pops! What happen? All your relatives quit? This is taking long as hell."
It was at this precise moment that an elaborate fight sequence took place in my head: After calling her a b*tch, I wind up a hard right hook and connect with her jaw knocking her on the dirty restaurant floor. Why don't you give em a break, huh? Her friends look at me in disbelief, then anger. You guys want some too? The big one steps forward and I grab her squarely on the shoulders and cold cock her with a head butt. You next, honey? She takes a step back, looks at her friends, looks at the Chinese woman, and pulls a small knife out of her inside coat pocket. I allow my head to rock back as I burst out in laughter. I step over my two other victims, grab the out-dated rotary phone off of the counter, slam it into the side of her face, and watch two teeth spill to the floor after she knocks herself unconscious on a nearby table.
"They won't be giving you anymore trouble," I say dusting off my jacket lapels.
"Oh thank you!" the Chinese woman exclaims. "Thank you! Thank you! Eggroll on the house!"
"Ho ho! You're too kind."
The women slowly come to their senses and shrink at the sight of me.
"And I believe you ladies owe these fine people an apology."
A chorus of "I'm sorry's" and "it'll never happen again's" rise up from the tiled floor.
"All in a day's work," I think as I step out the door.
....In reality, I avoided eye contact, paid for my food, and called them bitches under my breath once safely outside. After all, I didn't want to get jumped.
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