Press


Time Out New York
"Critic's Pick"
                                                   New York Times
"A well programmed night"
                                                                                                                     New York Daily News "Editor's Pick"

Jan 17, 2008

How 'bout "please" and "thank you?"

I decided that I deserved Chinese food today. And to justify this "frivolity," I decided that I would walk the two blocks to pick it up rather than order in. Plus, I would save a couple bucks in tip money. So, I set out on my quest, all the while contemplating if I would spring for the egg roll or not. I concluded I would.

I entered Wangs and saw a group of women already placing their orders. I patiently awaited my turn at the counter.

Woman #1: "And I want that chicken lightly fried, not hard fried like you usually do it. (turning to friends) I don't even think she understands me."

Woman #2: "Damn it's cold in here! Don't you have any heat? I bet in the summer you can spring for air conditioning...how bout some damn heat!"

Woman #3: "Hey! Lady! Make sure you only put onions in my fried rice. You hear me? Only onions!"

Woman #1: "She don't even understand you."

After this little repartee, I placed my order for chicken and broccoli, one eggroll.

Woman #2: "DAMN it's cold in here!!! I'm gonna be eatin' in here and I need some heat. I KNOW you got some heat in here cause I see the vents. Shit..."

Five more minutes pass as they bitch to one another, repeating all of the various statements in random order.

Woman #2: "Alright, lady. You gonna wipe this table off? I'm not eatin' on that!"

Sweet Chinese woman wipes off table.

"You got some napkins for me? That tables all wet!"

Sweet Chinese woman hands her napkins.

"You know what? Forget it! I don't wanna eat of your table anyway. Gimme a tray!"

Sweet Chinese woman goes to back of kitchen to find a tray.

"Hey! Pops! What happen? All your relatives quit? This is taking long as hell."

It was at this precise moment that an elaborate fight sequence took place in my head: After calling her a b*tch, I wind up a hard right hook and connect with her jaw knocking her on the dirty restaurant floor. Why don't you give em a break, huh? Her friends look at me in disbelief, then anger. You guys want some too? The big one steps forward and I grab her squarely on the shoulders and cold cock her with a head butt. You next, honey? She takes a step back, looks at her friends, looks at the Chinese woman, and pulls a small knife out of her inside coat pocket. I allow my head to rock back as I burst out in laughter. I step over my two other victims, grab the out-dated rotary phone off of the counter, slam it into the side of her face, and watch two teeth spill to the floor after she knocks herself unconscious on a nearby table.

"They won't be giving you anymore trouble," I say dusting off my jacket lapels.

"Oh thank you!" the Chinese woman exclaims. "Thank you! Thank you! Eggroll on the house!"

"Ho ho! You're too kind."

The women slowly come to their senses and shrink at the sight of me.

"And I believe you ladies owe these fine people an apology."

A chorus of "I'm sorry's" and "it'll never happen again's" rise up from the tiled floor.

"All in a day's work," I think as I step out the door.

....In reality, I avoided eye contact, paid for my food, and called them bitches under my breath once safely outside. After all, I didn't want to get jumped.


4 comments:

Okie said...

Bitches! I hope the staff served them rat instead of chicken.

Sideshow said...

haha...me too!

Rona said...

Wow, seriously, MEGA-bitches. I'll bet their children hate them, if that's any consolation.

And btw--this is REALLY funny stuff.

David said...

Hello new friend!
Gwen and I watched your monologue -- It was Awesome! Congrts on making champ!! I wanted ask (as I am always curious about artists and their influences) would you say that Bob Newhart's is one of your influence?? Anyhow, mad props on rocking that event!!~
-DD